Little things about love....

The other day I was having lunch with my friend and as women generally do, we soon arrived at the topic of love. She is currently in a relationship which was of a few months old but she had already started experiencing the uncertainties and qualms which usually plagues us in the later stages of a relationship. The thought about the future was giving her Goosebumps and the fact that she gets easily bored within a few months into a relationship was giving her nightmares about the security of their future.

6 graceful ways to reject a guy

All of us get a couple or two (there's no end limit) proposals during our lifetime and most often these will be from guys we don’t want to date. The best way is to gently and politely state that you like the person but you are not romantically interested in him. Some of us are fortunate enough to know the trick of saying “no” easily and without the feeling of guilt arising in us, but some of us are not so lucky. 

                                 

Some women really find it difficult to say “no” to anyone and if that person happens to be a good friend, then it becomes even more difficult. We might be fearful to hurt the person, afraid to lose their friendship, scared to appear like an arrogant princess or some other inane or not so inane reasons. Some of us even agree to go out with them just because we don’t know how to say “no” and which leads to disastrous results.

5 downsides of avoiding conflict

It is quite inevitable to have conflicts and clashes in a relationship. Although at such moments of conflict we might feel that we are the only ones to have so many issues; but in reality it is fairly usual to have disagreements and arguments in all kind of relationships. After all, we are two different set of minds and there are bound to be differences of opinion. And it doesn't mean that there is something wrong in our relationship, in fact it is quite healthy and can prove as an opportunity for growth for both the partners.

But it is understandably difficult to sometimes handle such situations and one might feel that avoidance is the best course of action. At times, we feel that the best way to handle a conflict is to avoid or ignore it altogether. Although we might feel that avoiding the situation will resolve it on its own, but on the contrary it has the tendency of developing into a much bigger problem. And when that happens, we might find that it is even more difficult to handle the problem. There are many downsides to avoiding conflict and a myriad of problems might occur as a result of such avoidance. Here are a few things we should consider before we decide evading is the best way to resolve relationship issues.

Living Together: Working it out

  "Bliss is when we are together...
                                          So why not have the bliss forever" by Bhaswati 

Living together has become an ideal and preferred arrangement for most couples in a long term relationship, in fact even more so than marriage. Couples find it an economical and practical decision and also take is as a trial run to check their compatibility with each other. Although it might sound a win-win situation for both the parties, but there are also certain downsides associated with this kind of an arrangement, especially if you are used to your space and independence. Some men find living together to be too domesticated and others might find it too constricting and claustrophobic. Men might foresee living together as a situation where their valued independence flies out of the window.

It is however not too difficult to overcome the downsides and make it an enriching experience for both the partners. Moving in together could be a fun experience, provided you are open to certain changes and also if you have discussed the nitty-gritty of the arrangement. The idea is not to rush into anything hasty but make an educated and calculated decision.  

Take off the rose colored glasses: Moving in together is a big decision and requires a lot of maturity and understanding from both the sides. If you are getting into this arrangement with blinders on; hoping to find happily ever after without any glitches, than you need to think again. Living together has less romanticism attached to it than the practicalities of life. It means sharing the hurdles of life together and to get to know how you both fit in with each other through all the stages of life. Although there is a certain kind of romance attached to the fact that you get to be with each other all the time, but that same fact can become a thorn at your side after a certain period. So, you will need to think about this decision practically, instead of romantically.

Decide your boundaries: If you want to live with your girlfriend and at the same time have a little male space of your own, it is better to make it clear in the beginning. A house is usually dominated by the women in the family and you will see traces of their presence everywhere. So, if you are used to only seeing your electronic paraphernalia lying around your living room, then it might come as a shock to see girlie magazines and a potted plant lying there instead. You will need a personal space to brood alone and do whatever men are used to doing in their own space, and which will become a little difficult after you move in. So, set the ground rules beforehand and you will have much peace later.

Keep the romance alive: 

It is difficult to have the same kind of intensity and eagerness in a live-in relationship that what you usually have when you are dating the person you are really smitten with. You will not have the same kind of anticipation that you earlier had; when looking forward to your dates, which is quite natural. It is therefore more important to make an effort to keep the romance alive when you are living together. You should think of ways to surprise your girlfriend by planning something nice, once in a while. You should also take advantage of the fact that you are staying together and get to know each other even better. The fact that you have the time and opportunity to make love should not make you feel less passionate. You should explore each opportunity to get more close to each other.  

Be independent but act responsibly: Living together does not have to mean that you are staying in a prison but at the same time it means your carefree and irresponsible days are over. If you are used to staying out late at night without informing a soul then you will need to change that habit because you are staying with your girlfriend. Living together makes you both responsible for each other and because you have taken the step of moving in, it means that you are mature enough to take life on a more serious note. It doesn't mean that you have to curtail all your activities, that are something that you will need to discuss with your girlfriend, but it certainly means that you have to keep her informed about your whereabouts. It is not about losing your independence but about being accountable to the person you love so that she does worry unnecessarily.

 

Define your space: It is easy for your life to become too reliant on each other when you are living together and this becomes detrimental for both you and your partner. You should be close to each other but at the same time have your own life to live. You should not be living out of each others pockets or have a dependent relationship with each other. It is important to meet and socialize separately and have that personal time without your significant other being present all the time. This does not mean that you don’t love each other anymore, in fact staying apart and having your own time and space will ensure that you have stronger feelings for each other.

Talk it out:

 
Image courtesy: gettyimages

If you have made the decision of staying together, you will need to sit together and come to a mutual agreement about the arrangement. It is easy for the girlfriend to get carried away with her plans; which usually happens, leaving the boyfriend struggling to find his bearings. If you are feeling the same way about the decision, then maybe you should postpone it for sometime till you get your feelings sorted and arrive at a mutual consensus. It is important to discuss even the smallest of things and get any unpleasant disagreements out of the way. This way, you can also avoid the small bickering and blaming game which comes later in the relationship.    

Like any other relationship live-in has its own pros and cons but with a little care and effort it can prove to be a rewarding and enriching experience. 

Poetry.....some more poignant thoughts....

Broken dreams...

Yesterday, I picked up a shining metal,
While walking down the shore;
Happily thinking it to be a precious jewel
And clutched it to my core
I kept it close to my bosom and traveled,
Towards my destiny;
But when I thought I had reached,
The end of my journey;
I opened my palm with a smile, which died,
When I discovered;
The jewel was but an ordinary stone,
And all my dreams shattered!


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Departure...In  memory of my dad

You were like a tree, shading me from the sun,
Or a rainbow, splitting the colors of life in my bosom;
When I felt your warmth in the cold of the dawn;
For a moment I forgot that you were gone.
Last night you came to my dreams
And rubbed my tear stained cheek.
You murmured a few words of comfort
I went back to sleep with a smile on my lips.
But when I woke up in the morn,
There was no one beside me, except
The cold emptiness of the dawn

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Wistful ramblings....

I feel that I have lost you; when I see;
the way you turn your back on me;
Holding out your hand to her for a dance,
you walk away without a second glance.
My heart breaks into a thousand pieces;
I look at them and see your broken promises,
Today, you might be happy without me,
But I know you cannot bear the agony.
A day will come when you need me the most
You will search for me in vain, and realize what you lost.

Poetry - the tuneless songs from deep inside the heart...

To find myself…..

One morning when the sun shone the brightest,

I got up from a deep slumber and felt bereft..

Wondered what was missing in life…who is absent.

The appendage called heart remained silent.

I lumbered off on a quest to discern the purpose of life

Or on a voyage of self-discovery as the wise would say.

Sat for a few hours beneath the banyan tree in my backyard,

Only truth I discovered ..mosquito bites in the day..are also hard.

Mind said -Why not sail across the oceans and beyond?

Or seek divinity from a guru, all enlightened and saffron-clad?

Set off again for the distant shores with images of a new self;

Glorified in tranquillity and basking with new found serenity.

Spent a divine summer chanting mantras and singing hymns

Lost in the pleasant aroma of incense and also ganja at times,

Found a lot of virtues hitherto unknown – patience, tolerance and

Reigning supreme was the feeling of profound peace and freedom.    

But mystery of self remained unsolved, hence made a last effort;

To seek the truth from my guru- the one who has discovered All.

Saffron clad and sitting in the midst of his ardent followers,

He was amused at the question which I barely whispered.

He gazed at my curious eye for ages and then beckoned me near

Laying his hand on my head he said “Love, child, love is why you are here.”

The fog lifted and the light shone through, I smiled and bade him adieu;

And set out to spread the message of love to all, starting on a life anew.   

A heart’s folly....

Oh, this foolish little heart of mine,

Hungry for the love of a deserter;

Craves the touch of the cold one;

Who has nothing in him to spare!

I try to tempt this errant traitor,

And lure it to other pleasures;

But all it can hear deep within,

Are his treacherous whispers!

At times it makes merry and smiles,

I will sigh with relief that it is past;

But alas! The clouds come down again,

And brings the rain of tears at last!

Lovely will be the dawn when I can;

Leave all his memories behind.

Lovely will be the morn when I will;

Wake up without his thoughts in my mind.

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Tonight I will cry....

I will shed copious tears, it will be a funeral tonight;

A blazing pyre of the accident called life;

I will wet my pillow; carefully recollecting past strifes.

But it will be the last time.... for I am bidding goodbye.

I might howl at the moon and cry out to the sky,

I might beat my chest and raise a big hue and cry.

Anything seems possible, its such a maddening night

Thoughts of soul-wrenching sobs brings out a strange delight.

I will lie eagerly in my bed; awaiting the lights to be go out,

When shrouded by darkness, i will  gather all my wounds;

I will bring forth the memories which are most painful;

And the tears will rush out and pour down, tearing my soul.  

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Surviving an affair...

When one indulges in an affair and thus breaks the trust and faith built laboriously over the years, is there really a chance that a marriage or relationship can work out? 

The answer depends on how far a couple is willing to go to forgive and forget and also how important the relationship was, in the first place. Infidelity is a very sensitive topic but unfortunately a very common one, if surveys conducted across various part of the world are to be believed. According to these surveys, 65% married/committed men cheat and 55 % women go astray. So the question of whether a relationship is going to work out after an affair remains a very relative question. 

In cases where the couple wants to work things out, they need to be levelheaded about all the consequences and resulting actions. Things will obviously not run smooth in the beginning but with time and effort, it can be worked out.

For the person who has been cheated, the first feeling is of pain and then anger. But when the pain and the anger wears off and the person can start thinking rationally again, the things that are needed to be reflected upon are the importance of the relationship in one's life. What are the factors or circumstances which led to the affair? Is it a one-time occurrence or has this happened before? If kids are involved, it becomes even more complicated and things need to be looked at from their perspective as well. Also one needs to keep in mind that a human being is after all not perfect, but a new start should not be taken as a license to digress gain. Only after analyzing all these facts should the decision of either ending or salvaging the relationship should be taken.

For the person who enters into an illicit relationship, all that one is interested in, is the feeling of excitement and the adrenaline rush one feels when one lies and cheats. But once the feeling fades away, the only emotions left are shame and guilt. Even if the person is repentant and wants a second chance, one should be prepared to walk on a tight rope. The entire relationship needs to be re-built on trust and love and one should be ready for the fact that even though he might be forgiven but the incident has hardly been forgotten. The relationship has passed a delicate test and needs nurturing and care and the other person in the equation will always be wondering if you have gone astray again. But then, that is very natural, trust is something which needs to be owned and cannot be demanded.      

It requires a lot of time, patience and understanding from both the parties but before making any concrete decisions about the future all the pros and cons need to be weighed and after everything the question you need to ask yourself is, "Is it worth it?"