The woes and blues of singlehood

Single hood might sound as a fun place to be in, especially if you are married or committed and all your single friends flaunt their frequently changing fares right under your disapproving nose. No matter how steadfast or stable one’s relationship is, at some point of time we all have caught ourselves asking the question “What if...?" 

Being single beats being entangled in a bad relationship any day but just like marriage and a committed relationship, single-hood comes with its own share of issues and problems. Here are top 5 blues I can come up with from top of my head, I am sure there are a lot more.

The dating game: Dating after being in a relationship is like going to work after a gap of a few years. At work you will find the complete modus operandi and technology has changed, well it is the same with dating too. The game and the rules keep changing and if you have not kept yourself updated, you might feel like you have come out of a cave and the world around you has changed beyond recognition. The charms of dating wear off after a few bad dates and celibacy doesn't seem to be a bad option when your weekend gets ruined for the sixth time in a row.

The holiday seasons: This is one of the worst pains of single-hood. You can run, you can hide but you can’t escape your family and relatives during holidays. And no matter what the hot topic of the season is, inevitably the topic in the dining table veers towards the observation that a few years down the line you will be the only single unwed lady of your age in the family and probably the neighborhood as well. And it doesn't matter that you are the youngest director of a company or you have a successful thriving business. Relatives are experts in ignoring these moot points and know the art of dredging on the dreaded matter of marriage and children. All we can do is grin and bear it and hope that the next holiday season we catch something and stay in bed.

The illness-factor: Being single and staying alone really pricks when we fall sick. We are lucky if we have a friend or family who will dump everything and come running for us but then we feel guilty for needing them. And if we are forced to make our own soups and blow our own noses, that is when the need of a supporting hand becomes most urgent. There is also the fact that when we are ill we are more emotionally vulnerable and feel the need of some touch therapy.

My best friend’s wedding: 

Single-hood is best when you have single friends with whom you can bitch about the married ones and pity their cumbersome lives. But when the same friends decide to desert you for the dreaded institution of  marriage you feel like you have been stabbed in the back. You might make promises to each other that you will remain the same forever, but the fact remains that things will change. And that is when you feel the need of making new single friends till the pattern gets repeated again.

The romance factor: This is probably one of the most deeply felt factor in single-hood even though we bury it deep within our hearts. There are a lot of times when we feel the need of that one special person to share all our secrets with, just hold us when we are feeling low. The joys of walking aimlessly hand-in-hand, talking nonsensical talks are even deeply missed if already experienced before. Not to mention the fact that today’s modern society still remains old-fashioned in terms of promoting marriage and romance. Endorsements, offer and packages always seem to be made keeping couples in mind and rarely for the happily unmarried single.  

PS: No offence intended for single women/men. All views are personal and is not meant to insult or hurt any individual. I will shortly be publishing another article on the joys of being single, so till then, please hold the hammer! Having said that, all feedback is welcome and appreciated J

Faithless or less faith?

The other day I was enjoying a cup of coffee with a colleague when she suddenly banged her cup and snapped me out of my reverie. “I need to talk”, this sentence was the first inkling I got that there was trouble in the horizon. Although my break was running short I decided to listen and find out what was troubling her.

Well, it was the same old marital problem, the best friend of the husband who happens to be a beautiful, smart female. My friend was deeply troubled because her husband spent too much time talking on the phone with the other woman (excuse my pun), she calls him all the time, they go out very frequently etc.

My first question was if she had spoken to her husband about this and the reply was “Yes”, it seems she had confronted him many times but he just dismissed her concerns as trivial tantrums. I could gleam from her descriptions that it was probably a harmless friendship and nothing else, so I gave her as much consolation and pep-talk as I could manage.

However this got me into my thinking mode. In this modern world where words like fidelity and faithfulness are out of fashion and temptations are spread across all the corners, how far can a husband/wife remain loyal? And what exactly are the triggers that lead them astray? Is it a troubled marriage, an incompatible spouse, a fickle/restless nature, the attraction towards the forbidden or simply boredom and the availability factor? I am sure there are people who will point out the fact that they might have found their true love at last and they could not help themselves but to be with whom they perceive to be their soul-mates.

The renowned psychiatrist and author M. Scott Peck in his bestselling book, “The road less traveled” had advocated the benefits of an open marriage, however he also pointed out that one needs to be strong-willed and capable of controlling ones urges for a marriage to be successful (although he himself had numerous adulterous affairs and ultimately divorced and re-married). So the question which remained in my mind is this - is there a single "couple" in this world who haven't ever had a moment of doubt about their spouses’s loyalty, no matter how close and happy their relationship was? The answer is probably yes, after all we are all humans but then the fact also remains that in spite of temptations and greener pastures there still exists that rare breed of faithful loving people who will brave all and still remain faithful to the vows they have taken.

So although this might sound cynical, it would be foolish to blindly trust our better halves but at the same time equally foolish to jump the gun at the least mention of another individual from the opposite sex. The best course of action is to remain calm and talk about the feelings we have instead of pointing fingers. After all, its known that most times doubts arise out of insecurities and fears. These are always deep waters, best we tread smoothly and be careful we don’t hurt the ego of the person we love. All it achieves is to make them drift away from us. It might seem like we can speak about anything and in any manner to our spouses, after all they are our life-partners, but we should never forget that they are individuals in their own rights with very fragile egos and insecurities. All couples have their unique differences and areas of concerns but I feel listening, understanding, talking and being observant are factors that act like cement in our relationships, it can only become stronger.   

Remember “ME”? Are we losing our own identity at the cost of a lifetime of togetherness?

A friend had once told me that it is very easy to break a relationship and equally difficult to make one. I agree with him, it takes enormous amount of patience, understanding and give and take from both ends to sustain a relationship. And especially for women, once you have spent so much time and effort to make something work, it is very painful to leave everything behind for someone else to enjoy the spoils. Likewise for men, once the initial feeling of irritation at being nagged wears off and is replaced by feelings of being taken care of, they are equally reluctant to let go. So in a nutshell we can call it being accustomed to a certain way of living.

For a woman who has been in a live-in relationship, the pressure of tying the knot is comparatively much more than a girl who is just casually going around. She will have expectant parents, siblings and relatives asking suggestively, “When is the great event?” So when you casually mention that you might not get married after all, be prepared for all hell to break loose. You will hear your mom having muffled conversations on the phone with your relatives; your brother will call you and give you a nice lecture about a woman’s ultimate goal in life. And God forbid if you have a family function to attend, you cannot excuse yourself because then you are hiding from shame and if you deign to attend than you will find laser eyes piercing your back or pitying looks from others. The worst is when you pass by and the entire brigade of (happily?) married aunts stop their conversations in the middle, making it abundantly clear they were talking about how they always knew you will turn out like this.

And then there is the fact that you have become emotionally dependent on this person who understands you in and out and can speak about anything with each other. When you think about all the nice times you have spent and the fact that this might be your only chance at finding a soul-mate you will start ignoring the niggling doubts you have and merely stick on with the relationship no matter if your values match or not.

I really admire the couples who give up their individual goals for the common good of their relationship. The fact that they are able to do so might mean that they are really in love but then if I refuse to let go of my individuality does it mean that I was never in love? I have always respected the priorities and opinions of others so does that mean that if I have my own they should be ignored just because I am a woman? At the expense of sounding like a feminist, I would still like to point out that the compromises and sacrifices are mostly made by women in a marriage. That does not mean that men are not doing it, there are lot of men who meet their spouses halfway supporting them all the way but if for some there is no meeting point what is the end? Should a person hold on to a relationship even after knowing that they are not entirely happy or should they decide what are their priorities in life? At the end, according to all spiritual teachings self love is the best love, unless you are able to love yourself you will not be able to love others. It is the best thing when a relationship works out but should one forget the “Me” in trying to be a “We”?


           
I really admire the couples who give up their individual goals for the common good of their relationship. The fact that they are able to do so might mean that they are really in love but then if I refuse to let go of my individuality does it mean that I was never in love? I have always respected the priorities and opinions of others so does that mean that if I have my own they should be ignored just because I am a woman? At the expense of sounding like a feminist, I would still like to point out that the compromises and sacrifices are mostly made by women in a marriage. That does not mean that men are not doing it, there are lot of men who meet their spouses halfway supporting them all the way but if for some there is no meeting point what is the end? Should a person hold on to a relationship even after knowing that they are not entirely happy or should they decide what are their priorities in life? At the end, according to all spiritual teachings self love is the best love, unless you are able to love yourself you will not be able to love others. It is the best thing when a relationship works out but should one forget the “Me” in trying to be a “We”?

Sometimes more is less

                                                                      

Can you imagine the days before the invention of social networking sites and voice mail, when a couple used to spend hours and sometimes days waiting for one glimpse or that one secret message from their lovers? The eager anticipation of the wait, the furtive glances towards the road, and the fear of the unknown, is it possible even to think of re-creating those raw feelings in this age of instantaneous modern communication devices and options?

Everyone is an open book, all you need to do to find out what anyone is doing is to just check their Facebook statuses. I wonder sometimes if I am the only one who feels that the only thing which remains private today is the color of a person’s underwear, or the lack of it, which I am sure is not far from being displayed in the statuses one of these days. Please don’t get me wrong, it is interesting to get to know what is the latest in a person’s life especially when you don’t have the time to catch up with them in person, but isn't it taking the fun out of meeting over a cup of coffee and discussing about your life? Why will you even bother meeting when you get to know all in Facebook? 

And most important of all have you noticed happy, irate, jilted, lovers putting up their feelings as the statuses for all and sundry? I mean where is the one-to-one communication methods of the past when two people get together to discuss their feelings, fight, break-up, make-up and the world is none the wiser? Sometimes I wish I could be the girl standing near her front gate trying to get a glimpse of her lover who had promised to be back but she was not sure whether he will be. How I wish I had known the nervous excitement of waiting for a secret letter which can only be delivered by a common friend. How was the feeling when we did not have these modern devices of communication and the only way to ask your lover out is to leave messages for her by ingenious means.

And imagine how easy it would have been to wait for the response of a proposal when there were only two ways to get the answer - by person or by letter. Imaging the plight of a modern day lover with the numerous means of communication? You need to check your voice mail a thousand times in a day, be online on all your chatting accounts, check your e-mail and your messages all the time, only to be disappointed when that much anticipated call, e-mail, or chat turns out to be from somebody else. Weren't these advancements supposed to make our lives easier instead of complicated and barren?