Thursday, June 16, 2011

Men and Cheating...Why men cheat?

This is an age-old question which has led to the publications of many books, production of a lot of movies and earned millions for counselors and divorce lawyers. Now before men raise their voices in protests stating that women cheat too, let me assure them that this is not a contest of man vs. woman. It is simply an attempt to better understand the chemical and psychological make-up of men which will give the answer as to why cheating and deceiving is so easy for them. Because even though women cheat, statistics have proved that this is one field where they are happily far inferior and far behind the male gender.

A woman is devastated when she realizes that she has been cheated upon, but more than the question about “what next” what haunts her more is, “why”. Women are intent on finding that answer, which is quite natural, after all, you feel inadequate and lacking when someone else has been “chosen” over you. But strangely, more often than not, you will not find the answer within yourself; you should be looking at the man for the answers. Because if their partners were the only reasons men cheat, then there would never be a broken marriage where the wife was beautiful, loving and caring and still the man was led astray.Time and again men have relegated various reasons for their behavior and more often than not they have just been petty excuses.

The biological excuse: 

If you fall back on the biological explanation given by various sex specialists and experts, men still have some genes left from their stone age, club swinging days, when the only business they had was to provide food and shelter to their mates and sow as much seed as possible. By sowing seeds, we are not referring vaguely to farming but a much baser need of the male species to distribute their sperm as widely and vastly as possible, to ensure the growth and continuance of the species, of course. And now, in the modern times, even though the need of the growth and survival of the species is far beyond the point of expansion, unfortunately men seem to be still harboring a few delusions from the Stone Age.

Well, as explanation goes, this is as good as anything else, and who are we to argue with scientists and experts? But there is only one bone of contention with this theory, if men have outgrown the need to eat raw meat and hunt with their hands easily enough, why is it so difficult to outgrow the need to “do it” with multiple partners? 

The chemical argument: There is another school of thought of the experts(?) which is that men are made of a much different chemical composition than women (as if we were not aware about that). For men, things like physical intimacy or sex with a different person outside their marriage does not have the same meaning as what might be for a woman. Basically, it is a roundabout way of stating that women consider sex and love in the same bracket (most of the times) whereas for men, sex is just a way to satisfy their baser needs and has got nothing to do with love. Well, to me it smacks a little too much of “having the cake and eating it too” type of theory, but again, who are we to argue with the experts?

The psychological excuse: 

Again keeping in tune with the chemical theory, this also is somewhat similar. Men are supposedly very vulnerable about their age and grow very insecure when they feel that they are growing old. So, like women turn to Botox and liposuction to enhance their looks and feel youthful, men turn to affairs to assure themselves that they are still capable of attracting the opposite sex. It is somewhat like the mid-life crisis but does not have to always strike in mid-life. Sex Experts warn that men might be struck with this lightning bolt at any age and stage of their lives, where they need to have an affair to convince themselves of their virility. Well, if that is not called an excuse, I don’t know what else is. 

The denial game: Last but not the least; you should be aware about this factor if you have been cheated by your partner. In the midst of asking him the reason, be aware that he might suddenly point his fingers and yell “I did it because of you”. Now, there might have been situations where you have somehow made him feel insecure, unwanted, unloved or just plain unmanly. You should do some soul searching in regards to that, but if your partner feels he can get away with that accusatory finger pointing all the blame at your doorstep, you can ask him to take a hike. Because, no matter how you provoked or aided his transgression, the responsibility of the action lies in his shoulders. You might have made his married life hell, but that does not excuse cheating and infidelity, there are plenty of divorce lawyers and family courts for him to turn to instead of a different woman’s arms. 

Now, before sounding like a member of the woman’s lib, I would like to balance this out by saying that women also cheat in marriages and relationship; and sometimes for very selfish reasons. There are no excuses for infidelity and adultery, if your marriage is troubled and you have found someone else to share your life with, it is better to end the marriage and save the other person a lot of hurt and trauma. Whenever you decide to commit adultery or any other kind of infidelity, you should remember that your act might involve only two people, but the cycle involves other people too. A momentary lapse of judgment might lead you to a lifetime of regret.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Heart break


                                                                "Heart, We'll forget him,
                                                                 You and I, tonight!
                                                                You must forget the warmth he gave,
                                                                I'll forget the light." 
                                                                by Emily Dickinson

 You never dream that it can happen to you, that your heart can also break into a thousand little pieces. You would think these dramatics are reserved for the movies and for the insides of a romance novel. But then it happens to you; and all you can feel is the intense pain ripping your insides out. You want to hide in the darkest corner and just weep till you feel that the pain has gone. Till you feel that you are free from the clutches of the demon which keeps tearing you apart.

But pain is a big deceiver, it will lie in wait for you and the moment you think that you are finally out of it, there will be a sudden memory which will bring a fresh bout of pain, one that will be worse than the first. It will feel like a conspiracy against you, carefully planned by the universe. There will be your favorite music playing when you switch on the radio, the movie channels won’t have anything except soppy romantic flicks, one which always ends with happily ever after. A sudden laughter or a subtle scent can be powerful enough to bring the memories crashing down upon you and the only refuge you seem to find is in tears. The pain comes in waves and you shiver at the intensity of it, never having faced such heart wrenching anguish before.

When you separate from the person you have been in love with for ages, you feel that a limb has been torn out of your body and there is no way that you can function again. Everything loses its meaning; the only thing that matters is your pain. It’s like staying inside a cocoon, jealously guarding your misery so that nobody can take it away from you. Yes, there seems to be a bittersweet pleasure in the pain of suffering as well. Maybe it is the fact that we have become the center of our own universe for some temporary period and we revel in the glory of it.

The pain will seem so profound and permanent that you will feel like there is no way to recover from your pathos. It will feel like the end has come, in fact it will feel like the end is much better. The contemplation of a future without your loved one would feel impossible, after all what meaning is left in your life without your lover?

But no matter what we feel at the moment, there is a dawn which comes after each black night and there will be a day when the memories of the pain will recede to some unknown corners of our mind from where it will only transmit some dim rays. It might seem like the end of the world today but tomorrow will be a different story, maybe it will be better, maybe it will be worse, no one knows. But the fact that there is hope; is enough. Pain and pleasure, after all; are both transient. Neither remains forever and life goes on for everyone.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Dating Disasters – Things not to do on a first date

The dating process brings in mixed feelings among many of us. For some, it means a feeling of anticipation and butterflies in the stomach sensation, while for others it might be just another waste of a free evening. Whichever category we belong too, we have a personal list of behaviors which we feel are unacceptable on a first date.
The other day I was sitting with my friends and this topic came up in the course of our conversation and all the ladies present brought out their disaster date scenarios out on the table and that is when I decided to take the top five in their list and write an article out of it.
Honey, the check is all yours: Women are two-faced this way, they want their independence and equality, but when it comes to chivalry you cannot do enough. Well, I don’t know who made the rules but an woman would like the man to pay the check on the first date. And if the man is new-age who respects women power and feels that he has done a great job of making her feel like an equal by asking her to pay the bill, well unfortunately that is not how it works. This seems to be a cardinal rule of dating with only a few exceptions.
The whistling and “hey you’s”:

Whistling out for a waiter might seem dashing to some, but only in the movies. This seems to be a common opinion, women finds out a lot about a man’s personality by the way he behaves with the wait staff. If a guy has the habit of whistling or shouting out to a waiter to get his attention, this might come out as rude or arrogant. A definite “No” on a first date, i.e. if the guy wants a second date after all.
What is that smell?: This is definitely not limited to the first date alone but then with a problem like this one’s chances of a second date are slim. My friend had to invent someone’s sudden death to actually escape a bad case of mouth-odor. She tried to lean back and avoid it as much as possible but it got to a point where it was either a quick escape or the table napkin over her nose. So if the guy wants to actually make it to the second date sometime in the future, better invest in some breath mints and mouthwash.
All about me: 

When you go on a first date, usually it is a chance to get to know about each other and when the guy (or vice versa) spends the entire time speaking only about himself, he can see those invisible yawns on his date’s face. Being full of himself, not giving his date the chance to even complete a sentence will only bring him down on the scale of manners and will not help to get him anywhere with the lady in question.
One kiss please: This is again a very sensitive area and opinions seemed to differ among my friends too. Some do not like the fact that you kiss on the first date, some thought it rude not to give a good night kiss and others felt a chaste kiss on the cheek is enough. Well, one friend gave a very strong view about necking and groping being completely out of the question and everyone seemed to agree to that. Well, I would say it depends on the chemistry between the two and you should try to read the body language too. But if he is coming on too strong or being forceful then he can kiss the second date goodbye.
These were among the top 5 in the list of unacceptable behaviors but I remember there being quite a few more. Being late on a date, not being dressed properly, talking about the ex on the first date, asking questions about sex-life were some of the other close contenders.