Thursday, June 16, 2011

Men and Cheating...Why men cheat?

This is an age-old question which has led to the publications of many books, production of a lot of movies and earned millions for counselors and divorce lawyers. Now before men raise their voices in protests stating that women cheat too, let me assure them that this is not a contest of man vs. woman. It is simply an attempt to better understand the chemical and psychological make-up of men which will give the answer as to why cheating and deceiving is so easy for them. Because even though women cheat, statistics have proved that this is one field where they are happily far inferior and far behind the male gender.

A woman is devastated when she realizes that she has been cheated upon, but more than the question about “what next” what haunts her more is, “why”. Women are intent on finding that answer, which is quite natural, after all, you feel inadequate and lacking when someone else has been “chosen” over you. But strangely, more often than not, you will not find the answer within yourself; you should be looking at the man for the answers. Because if their partners were the only reasons men cheat, then there would never be a broken marriage where the wife was beautiful, loving and caring and still the man was led astray.Time and again men have relegated various reasons for their behavior and more often than not they have just been petty excuses.

The biological excuse: 

If you fall back on the biological explanation given by various sex specialists and experts, men still have some genes left from their stone age, club swinging days, when the only business they had was to provide food and shelter to their mates and sow as much seed as possible. By sowing seeds, we are not referring vaguely to farming but a much baser need of the male species to distribute their sperm as widely and vastly as possible, to ensure the growth and continuance of the species, of course. And now, in the modern times, even though the need of the growth and survival of the species is far beyond the point of expansion, unfortunately men seem to be still harboring a few delusions from the Stone Age.

Well, as explanation goes, this is as good as anything else, and who are we to argue with scientists and experts? But there is only one bone of contention with this theory, if men have outgrown the need to eat raw meat and hunt with their hands easily enough, why is it so difficult to outgrow the need to “do it” with multiple partners? 

The chemical argument: There is another school of thought of the experts(?) which is that men are made of a much different chemical composition than women (as if we were not aware about that). For men, things like physical intimacy or sex with a different person outside their marriage does not have the same meaning as what might be for a woman. Basically, it is a roundabout way of stating that women consider sex and love in the same bracket (most of the times) whereas for men, sex is just a way to satisfy their baser needs and has got nothing to do with love. Well, to me it smacks a little too much of “having the cake and eating it too” type of theory, but again, who are we to argue with the experts?

The psychological excuse: 

Again keeping in tune with the chemical theory, this also is somewhat similar. Men are supposedly very vulnerable about their age and grow very insecure when they feel that they are growing old. So, like women turn to Botox and liposuction to enhance their looks and feel youthful, men turn to affairs to assure themselves that they are still capable of attracting the opposite sex. It is somewhat like the mid-life crisis but does not have to always strike in mid-life. Sex Experts warn that men might be struck with this lightning bolt at any age and stage of their lives, where they need to have an affair to convince themselves of their virility. Well, if that is not called an excuse, I don’t know what else is. 

The denial game: Last but not the least; you should be aware about this factor if you have been cheated by your partner. In the midst of asking him the reason, be aware that he might suddenly point his fingers and yell “I did it because of you”. Now, there might have been situations where you have somehow made him feel insecure, unwanted, unloved or just plain unmanly. You should do some soul searching in regards to that, but if your partner feels he can get away with that accusatory finger pointing all the blame at your doorstep, you can ask him to take a hike. Because, no matter how you provoked or aided his transgression, the responsibility of the action lies in his shoulders. You might have made his married life hell, but that does not excuse cheating and infidelity, there are plenty of divorce lawyers and family courts for him to turn to instead of a different woman’s arms. 

Now, before sounding like a member of the woman’s lib, I would like to balance this out by saying that women also cheat in marriages and relationship; and sometimes for very selfish reasons. There are no excuses for infidelity and adultery, if your marriage is troubled and you have found someone else to share your life with, it is better to end the marriage and save the other person a lot of hurt and trauma. Whenever you decide to commit adultery or any other kind of infidelity, you should remember that your act might involve only two people, but the cycle involves other people too. A momentary lapse of judgment might lead you to a lifetime of regret.

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