Thursday, April 10, 2014

You can stop your divorce...if you want to!!


In the recent times, the divorce rate in a year goes much higher than the marriage rates and this ratio is definitely nothing to be proud of. Relationship experts and marriage therapists provide different reasons for this rapidly increasing demise of the institution of marriage and it gives rise to doubts in one’s mind about the sanctity of the relationship in the first place. The vows that one takes during the ceremony become so trivial that they are forgotten in a moment’s time. Is it time that we completely give up hopes on the durability of the union called marriage; or is there still something to hope for, in the future? 

These days, people are getting married and getting separated on the same day and sometimes within a few hours. Psychologists are attributing these sudden whims of the human race to low feelings of security, more independence among women and a general sense of dissatisfaction with life. No matter what the reason, the process of getting married just to get divorced seems to be an utter waste of our time, money as well as morality. Isn't it time that we give some thought to the idea of avoiding the divorce word instead of uttering it every time we have an issue in our marriages? Maybe it is time to give a hard, long look at the amalgamation of two people and why it is important to rethink our values about marriage.

Divorce can probably be avoided to a large extent if people examine their readiness about marriage first. Marriage does not only mean eternal love and happily ever after. It has a lot to do with understanding and compromises. Before giving a lifetime commitment, we should first examine if we are ready for it. Before we go ahead and take the plunge into the world of matrimony, maybe we need to ask ourselves this question, “Are we ready yet?” Because matrimony is not only an exchange of vows or two signatures in a few sheet of papers but a union of two souls, two set of ideas and two different entities. Till the time we consider ourselves ready to understand the concept of taking responsibility to uphold the sacredness of the relationship called marriage, we do not have the right to tie ourselves to the institution just for the heck of it.

Divorces happen for numerous reasons; ranging from incompatibility, infidelity, marital abuse, ego issues etc., among others. Whatever the reason might be, have you really, with an open heart considered the idea of making it work, even once, before uttering the divorce word? Is the idea of living with the person whom you chose to be your partner out of your free will, so incomprehensible that you cannot put aside the idea of living with him/her anymore? Maybe, you could give some thought to the fact that both of you are humans, with feet of clay and everyone tends to make mistakes. Instead of letting your ego make your decisions, maybe you could think about other options rather than taking the path of separation?

Many experts attribute the fact that women have become financially and morally independent to a lot of ego issues which ultimately lead to divorce. We hate men for acting superior and bossy and yet we tend to portray the same qualities in a relationship. Instead of letting our pride dictate the terms in our relationship and fighting over petty issues of finances and superiority, maybe we can learn to just let go and enjoy the glory of being with someone we love and can share our life with? No one is asking the women to be doormats, just malleable and open to understanding. After all, it is not fair to expect the men to be caring and at the next breath demand equality.

When love dies only indifference remains; and that is definitely no basis for a relationship. But if you have any feelings remaining in your heart for your spouse, even if it is hatred; that means that there is a vestige of love still present. Try keeping yourself in the same situation before putting the final nail of judgment into the coffin. The decision which you both are going to make is going to affect a lot of other people as well, especially if children are present. 

And try to remember the things which made you fall in love in the first place, are they all gone now? So it is prudent to weigh all the pros and cons once. It is easy to label a person as a sinner and equally difficult to forgive a person but we should remember that, we are, after all humans, with the tendency to make mistakes.   

Taking a rash decision in anger is easy and equally hurtful. And after acting upon your words, it is difficult for your ego to let you retract them and a relationship which had a chance of being salvaged will no longer be. Even if you want to go back at a later point of time, your pride will not let you do so. But everything is not lost even if you have hurled abuses at each other, as long as you are willing to forgive and forget and make things work again. Counseling can work wonders for your relationship and might give you a lot of insight into your marriage, which you otherwise did not have. You will also need a support network from friends and relatives and someone who is not judgmental of your failures. Getting a third party perspective on the relationship will give you a lot of leverage when you are making your decision.

As they say, “prevention is better than cure”, likewise, for marriage a little preparation and thought goes a long way in saving the relationship at a later stage. We might consider it pessimistic to go with such kind of a negative assumption of the worst, but it is actually a realistic point of view and can save a lot of pain and heartache in future.     

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